Ah, dignity.  Where have you gone?  Oh right, I had a child and I'm pretty sure it came out of me when I gave birth.  I wasn't always like this.  No, seriously!!!  I used to have a bit of class, some modicum of self respect, a sense of pride in who I was and what I had to contribute to society. 

I thought I felt a slight shift when my OBGYN had her hand inside me on a weekly basis during my pregnancy, murmuring "Won't hurt, won't hurt, wont hurt" (and you know what?  It didn't hurt, but it sure as hell wasn't pleasant)... maybe it was a wee glimpse into what was to come...

My labor was induced a few days before my due date, and things happened really quickly after the Pitocin was administered to help me along.  I hadn't yet had an epidural, and was coming out of the washroom when my water broke all over the hospital room floor.  And on my new socks:(  Anyway, I paged the nurse who asked me if I was sure that I hadn't just peed myself.  And you know what?  I absolutely could not say with 100% certainty that I hadn't just pissed myself.  Puddles of dignity right there all over that linoleum floor.

Once my son was finally born, my husband held my son for what seems like forever while the doctor stitched me up.  And her very curious and brown-nosing medical intern, who (poor bastard) had to be talked through the best way to stitch up a vagina after an episiotomy, and muchos tearing.  With my legs up in the stirrups and me shaking uncontrollably as the epidural wore off, I realized that dignity would not be a word synonymous with motherhood.


"I think I just shat on the delivery table, but I can't be sure.  Oh, well!"

During the debacle of me trying to breastfeed, we consulted with three different lactation consultants who all had different techniques and ideas of how to tackle my thousands of unsuccessful attempts to get my poor baby fed.  Each manhandled my breasts in a variety of ways.  One even literally massaged the blockage out of my ducts for ONE HOUR while I had to sit there trying not to scream.  Talk about undignified.

Fast forward three years later, and my son's new thing when he goes to the washroom is to say "Mummy, give me some privacy", which is frankly hilarious coming out of his little mouth.  Not so funny on the other hand, is him climbing into my lap when I'm trying to take a shit.  And it happens at least twice a week.

Now that my son is three, there are less examples of how my dignity keeps losing its battle against motherhood.  But they're there.  Probably every day, but my standards are so low I probably don't even notice, as discussed here: http://bittersweetmommies.blogspot.ca/2015/09/how-low-can-you-go.html.

Maybe a better way of looking at it is not so much in terms of how my dignity is gone, but instead how much I'm capable of as a woman and as a mother.  Maybe my dignity has waned, but I'm hopeful that it will come back as M gets older.  I hope that I can handle the next few years of motherhood with a smidgen of grace and a shit ton more knowledge than what I had before this crazy roller coaster ride began.  Dignity be damned!

So it's been over a week since I last posted anything... ack, I'm a stay at home mom with one kid and I still can't stay on top of the things that I want to.  What with playgroups, preschool integration since September, household upkeep and living with a three year old dictator, how does anything get done?  How do moms of more than one kid do it?  What are your strategies?  OK, rant over.  But seriously, how???

Anyway, some of the stuff that come out of my son's mouth is absolutely hilarious; some of it makes no sense at all; and a lot of I has me convinced he's a genius (which is actually something all mothers know about their children, I think).  So here's some of the funny, ridiculous and dead-on observations my son has made in the past couple of weeks.

• I say "Are you ready for your smoothie?" his reply: "Not yet, I'm still working"... while trying to screw a dull pencil into the wall <too much effort to try and stop him>
• "Mummy, you're a champ."  Wow, this is literally the nicest thing has said to me in years.  Seriously.
• I mentioned how M mutters "Ganks" instead of "Thanks" a while back.  The other day he said "Skanks" instead of thanks.  I tried unsuccessfully to stifle my laughter and I told him that I prefer him to say Thanks.  He looked at me like I was a moron and said "Mummy, I prefer skanks".  Well, don't we all.
• Pouring a coffee and putting the milk back in the fridge one morning, M came down the stairs like this, and then I took a picture because that's what good moms do:

  

  "Of course it's safe to come down the stairs like this mommy, you fool!"

• "No mommy, you don't say that", because I started singing along to "Can't Feel My Face" after he asked me to... while pointing his tiny index finger at me aggressively.
• "The best of most best that I like most after bagels is eggs" to which I reply "But you only had one forkful", to which he replies "Yes".
• I needed to pump up the tires on our car a little bit, and asked M if he'd like to help me.  He answered "No, I'm fine with my car.  Good bye".  Then he closed the front door in my face.

Everyday M surprises me so much with the things that he says.  I wish I was quick enough to remember to write every single thing down, because once I finally find a scrap of paper I end up either doodling or making random Costco lists.  Mommy Brain in full effect.  Whatever, at least my son thinks I'm a champ.

It's that time of year again: the leaves turn brilliant colours; people start reluctantly covering up in more and more layers; pumpkin spice lattes with double shots of espresso are being chugged in large quantities (guilty); and some of us take a few minutes at Thanksgiving to think about what we're truly grateful for.  Believe it or not, it really isn't all bitter all the time on my end:)

Here at Bittersweet Mommies, we asked a few other moms for their input on what they're grateful for as moms.  Here's the feedback we received (in no particular order):

• "Grandparents, and other mommies to share my bitterness!" - M, mom of four
• "... extended family that has helped through the years, consequences used over the years which have helped him in making good life choices thus far, hugs, which I get very rarely now that he is grown... and I am grateful for chocolate, which I ate a lot of over the years especially when he became a teenager, got a girlfriend, and his driver's license..." - J, mom of one
• "I'm thankful for my healthy boy that always amazes me with his smarts, wits and charm.  Also thankful that I get to stay home everyday with my little guy and watch him grow. I'm thankful for my husband and his endless support & patience even on my bitchest of days. Friends and Family for all of their endless love and support too." - J, mom of one (soon to be two!)
• "I am grateful for my beautiful little boy!  He is funny, energetic and loving!  I am not so grateful for the word "Why"!" - S, mom of one
• "I'm thankful for mommy friends, morning cuddles and uncontrollable giggles:)" - J, mom of two
• "I am grateful for grandparents, smart phones, the amazon prime overlords that keep my house stocked with diapers, wipes, and puffs before I even realize I'm running out, and coming home to excited baby smiles that help melt work stress away." - C, mom of one
• "I'm grateful for my daughters smiling face and good friends that have kept me going through a divorce. She has shown me that I have alot to be thankful for." - M, mom of one
• "I'm grateful for flexibility. Having flexibility with my work and my husbands work has been crutial when my daughter is sick or she has appointments. Also, friends and family who are flexible to changing plans, times and locations of get together a has been as important!! You never know when your kid is gonna change their meal/nap/poop/tantrum schedule and you need to change things up." - T, mom of one
• "I am grateful to have two beautiful healthy little girls, a 2 week old and a two year old. Even though some days are tough & energy stores run low they can always get me smiling. I am grateful that my toddler has a beautiful personality, she is kind, sweet and funny. Of course she's equal parts tenacious & determined, which keeps me on my toes. I am grateful for great friends who help me see the humour in life's little bumps in the road. I am extremely grateful for supportive family that have helped keep me sane.....it really does take a village & I am blessed to have a fabulous one." S, mom of two
• "I'm grateful for the chance to be in the moment so often by seeing things through the eyes of a three year old, especially in the natural world.  When else do you get the chance to study ants working around their hills or gaze at the clouds and talk about what they look like?  Also, I like the fact that being a parent allows for more compassion and connection with others.  Instead of the inward-focus on improvement in career and entertainment and luxuries for ourselves... having a child helps us connect with families, kids, and our communities."  - H, mom of one
• "I'm grateful for my boy's health, my super-involved husband, my parents and my amazing friends. And caffeine and booze, not necessarily in that order:)" Obviously, this one is mine, a bitter mom of one!

I'm hoping this entry isn't too cheestastic for some of you.  I know that for myself, I did feel slightly nauseous from all the feel-good sweet vibes coming from the computer screen!

Everyone of the moms who contributed to this post comes from a different background; is of a different age; and has different hopes and dreams for their kids.  But the one thing that really stuck out while writing this is how similar we are in that we are so appreciative of our family and friends.  An extra set of hands can go a long way with helping an overwhelmed mother stay sane.  Like my friend S says, it does take a village...  and it's OK to ask for help and support when you need it, since as much as people would love to help, unless they know you need it, they may not want to impose.

Lastly, we'd like to say a very special, grateful and heartfelt THANK YOU to all of the mommies who helped us with this blog entry.  Now, hurry up and go stuff yourselves with turkey, pumpkin pie, and lots of wine.  Cheers!  

A few people have mentioned that some of my posts have been pretty bitter.  Real, but certainly not positive.  I seriously don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but one of the things that I wanted to make sure we talked about with this here blog is the stuff that people don't talk about when it comes to motherhood. 

Whether you're a mom of a single child, or two or more; whether a mom whose children have left the nest; whether a single mom; whether a mom with an involved family and great friends; or whether a mom doing most of it alone: Motherhood is hard.  So damn hard.  And absolutely nothing can prepare you for it until you become one.  We felt like it was important to talk about the things that maybe we aren't so comfortable telling our family or friends. 

Some days I feel like I'm drowning, when I look around at the state of my house and can't see an end to the mess and the chaos.  Some days I lose my shit at my son, and yell at him... which makes him cry... and then of course I start crying.  Some days I'm so mind numbingly bored that I fantasize about a different life, one that isn't mine and involves lots of lying down and not having to share cheesies.  On the days my son decides to bless me with a nap, I sometimes count the minutes after he wakes up until Hubs walks through the door after work.

It's not that I don't love my life and my son.  I do, more than I can put into words, and so much more than I ever thought possible.  Seeing life through his eyes is amazing, and being there when he discovers things for the first time is a feeling like no other.  I am so blessed to be able to stay at home full time with my son, and I know there are other moms out there who would love to be in my situation but can't be for a variety of reasons.

M started out as a creature unable to do anything for himself into a wild three year old boy who makes me laugh hysterically every day with the crazy things he says and does.  He and my husband are the center of my world.  I never really felt the need to point that out on the blog, because to me it goes without saying.  I can't imagine feeling any differently about a child I grew inside me.

"This ain't no womb!  Put me back!"

There are days when I just want to throw in the towel, listen to my Ipod and go for a 10KM run and forget everything like I used to before I had a child ... but my body literally can't do that anymore since having M, so I look for other ways to cope with the waves of inadequacy that hit me daily as a mom.  One of the best ways I have of handling the ups and downs of motherhood is my support system of family and friends.

Through all of the challenges and the frustrations, through all the tears and the tantrums, through all the fights and the fuck ups: this is my life.  I just truly wish that I wasn't so sleep deprived that I could fully appreciate it in all its silly, mad, wild glory.

Up until about two months ago, I thought that the Terrible Twos couldn’t possibly be as bad as they were made out to be.  

I thought that I was one of the lucky ones whose toddler would bypass the dreaded stage and turn into a wonderfully behaved preschooler.  I even went so far as to wonder if perhaps because I stay at home with my son full time, I was giving him the necessary tools to handle his own emotions in appropriate ways.

I thought that because my husband is a teacher and by nature extremely patient, our son would not resort to screaming or throwing things or trying to kick me in the face while I attempted to put on his pajamas for the fifth time.

Obviously, you all know where this scenario is going.  And you’re 100% right: the joke IS on me.  Can you believe that this university educated woman would be so vain, so presumptuous and so fucking deluded as to assume that her son wasn’t like other toddlers?  

I don’t know if it was the day that M pulled his hand out of mine in the library parking parking lot and ran away; or maybe the morning that he screamed “No!” at me before running into the bathroom and actually managing to lock the door, after I’d asked him to put his sippy cup on the counter; or maybe it finally sunk in when he up-ended his bin full of train set pieces three times after Hubs and I told him to clean it all up before bath time…

 

In the time it took me to pour a coffee, this happened.  And he's just sipping his smoothie nonchalantly!

It has finally sunk it.  My sweet, well-behaved, loving little boy has turned into someone I literally no longer recognize!  He is a possessed whirling dervish sometimes, and I have no idea how to handle it.  These terrible twos are the biggest bitch I have ever met and they're only now starting to wind down.  M turned three last week, so I guess we're about to enter the Threenage years next.  FML.

To all other moms with kids going through a similar stage: I FEEL you.  I’ve been there, and I’m still there, and it sucks ass.  To those moms with more than one child: I SALUTE you.

And I hear the Fucking Fours are on their way...

I wonder how many of us moms out there have been given absolutely terrible advice from people... Sure, we've all been given advice that we never asked for (see our "Why Are You Not Shutting Up?" post here http://bittersweetmommies.blogspot.ca/2015/08/why-are-you-not-shutting-up.html), but I'm talking more along the lines of little tidbits that you now realize with some mothering under your belt are absolute crap.

Here's some snippets of advice and pearls of wisdom that I've been given over the last three years that were WAY short of the mark:

• All newborns do is eat and sleep, so there's nothing to it
• You'll actually sleep better once the baby is born, since you'll no longer be uncomfortably pregnant
• Carry damp cotton balls in a Ziploc in your purse to put on your bleeding nipples between feedings - and whatever you do, DO NOT feed your child formula
• Babies who are formula fed do not form a strong bond with their mothers
• Most babies sleep through the night by the time they're three months old
• You should sleep train your baby at four weeks old, otherwise he or she is destined for a lifetime of sleep issues
• Once you introduce your baby to cereal, he or she will sleep through the night
• Children with no siblings become selfish and self-involved
• Having only one child is not fair
• You should try to lose the baby weight by the time the baby is three months old
• Your body will be ready for sex again with your partner in six weeks
• Children who don't play with Baby Einstein toys will become morons

  

  Oh dear, delayed development for sure

• If you expose your infant to TV, he or she will develop ADHD and a learning disability
• Uncircumcised penises are dirty
• Circumcision is unnatural
• An unbaptised baby is a heretic
• Toddlers sleep through the night for at least twelve hours straight
• Toddlers who play independently feel neglected
• An only child will become an outcast
• Children who attend daycare are desperate for their parents' attention and act out more
• Children who stay home and don't attend daycare are not stimulated enough and are often behind in school
• Girls should be potty trained by two years old, and boys should be by two and a half
• Children who don't eat organic will develop all manner of different diseases
• Having children will bring you and your partner closer

There's so many more that I've heard, but I seriously can't remember them right now.  M didn't have his usual nap today, so I'm pretty out of it.  Must be because I didn't sleep train him...

Do you remember playing the "I Never" drinking game when you were a teenager?  Someone would make a statement beginning with "I never..." and if you had done what he or she hadn't... well then you had to drink.  I'm sure you can imagine how the game quickly spiraled into sexual one-upmanship.  Whatever, we were kids!

As an expectant first time mom, I thought about all of the things that "I Will Never" do when it came time to being a mom.  The game of "I Will Never" is basically the polar opposite of the "I Never" drinking game we played as delinquent teens.  And so much less fun.  Looking back be now that my son is almost three, I feel sorry for the mom-to-be that I was.  She was oh-so-naïve. 

I had so many thoughts and idea and beliefs and ideals about the things I would and wouldn't do for M.  Now M is a three old boy.  At this point, my daily life is all about survival.

Here are some of my musings about motherhood pre-child, and what I SAID would never do and their realities now. 

"I'll Never raise my voice at my son when he misbehaves; instead I will have a calm and rational conversation with him.  He will also tell me why he is behaving the way he is."
Reality: I yell like a college football coach twenty three times a day, and threaten: "Do you want mommy to spank your bum?"  Also, the most common response when I question M is "Because I do/don't want to".

Yikes, that really IS scary.  Right?!?

"I'll Never let my son watch more than fifteen minutes of TV a day.  Excessive TV watching is so terribly detrimental to a child's cognitive and social development.  And don't even get me started on the fact that it causes ADHD!"
Reality: Kids don't understand down time, plain and simple.  Even if M naps, I have to do everything that I didn't have time to do while he was awake... So yes, the TV/laptop goes on when I need to make a meal or clean.  Hell, TV goes on when he throws a fit about watching something, just to make the tantrum stop.  Sometimes I put on Sesame Street and snuggle with him, just because.  M decided to wake up even earlier than usual this past weekend, at 4:50AM.  At 6:45AM I put Netflix for him.  I just couldn't.

"What?"

 

"I'll Never feed my son anything other than fresh homemade food. When he has snacks and has the occasional treat, it will have been made by love in my own kitchen.  We also won't feed him fast food while he lives under our roof".
Reality: Umm, are you kidding?  Was I high?  When I have the time, I love cooking and making homemade meals for my family.  But I don't always have the time.  And I'm a lover of the occasional fast-food lunch on the go.  I guess I never figured myself into the equation while thinking about my son's supposed clean eating.  I'm a stay at home mom, so he goes where I go.  And I hit McDick's from time to time.  So he does to.

"Sodium and nitrates, anyone?  Yes, please!"

"I'll Never" let M play with mindless games or toys, especially not unattended.  He'll only play quality educational toys that will help him achieve specific developmental milestone-related oriented goals".

Reality: Please refer to the TV entry.  Also, why the hell are all of the "Best Educational Toys" three times the price of all the others?  C'mon, like I said, I'm a stay at home mom, not Ivana Trump.

If only I'd buy better toys for M, he could do this too!

The divide between what kind of parenting we think we'll raise our kids with and the reality of parenthood is vast.  But how can it not be?  We're told so much about raising our kids, and we read so much, and we're completely inundated with information and different viewpoints about what's best for our children.  

Funnily enough though, the core values that I have about being a parent are front and center in how my husband and I are raising M.  All of the other stuff is just detail in the grand scheme of child raising. My father told Hubs and I when M was born that only we can know what is right for our own children -  and he was right. 

And so what if he plays a game of "I Never" in fifteen years time?  Just remind me to leave the room.