Those of you who have been reading our blog have probably noticed two things:

1. We are hilarious (obviously)
2. We are bitter (obviously)

I've been thinking of how and when to talk about something that I struggled with for the first year or so of M's life.  I had post-partum depression, and it was everything and everywhere.  It was there first thing in the morning when my beautiful newborn son woke up to feed; it was there at lunch time when I struggled to seem put together and "normal" in front of my new mom friends; it was there when I fell into bed exhausted at 7:30PM and cried myself to sleep.

Right?

How do you put into words something (that luckily is becoming more talked about) that we don't feel comfortable sharing with others?  I've been wondering who would read about this blanket of darkness that some new moms struggle with, and also asking myself if anyone would care.  But that's not really the point, is it?  The point is that if just one mom reads the following article and can relate to it, then that's all that matters.  I questioned if I could, and also if I should, share something so personal with my friends, most of whom had no idea that I was struggling.  But again, that's not really the point, now is it?

Here's an article I found on Scary Mommy's website by Janelle Hanchet: http://www.scarymommy.com/new-mom-misery/  From the beginning to the end of the article, I found myself thinking: "That's me.  Exactly.  Me.".  So thank you Janelle for having the courage to talk about what most of us don't, and thank you for putting into words what I could not.  If you can find five minutes to read her article, it will be worth it.

No matter how overwhelming and scary it can seem: we are not alone.  Ask for help.  When the CLSC nurse comes to your house a few days after the baby is born and asks how you're doing: don't lie and pretend everything is OK if it's not (like I did).  Take people up on their offers of help.  Don't try to be superwoman and do it all, because you can't and you don't have to.

The light really and truly is right around the corner.

How many of us are trying to start the new year off by trying to be better at something?  I sure am, the list of what I feel I can improve on is pretty long.  I figure if I can tackle things one at a time, I just might make myself happier... I wish I had the dedication to start something life changing like Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project" (have you read it?   Do it!!), but between juggling raising a toddler and trying to get my shit together...  well, let's just say that lower expectations might lead to a happier and more stable state of mind

1. Eat Better & Exercise

This is a no-brainer for me.  I work out regularly, and I love to break a sweat.  Unfortunately, I also eat like a pig every day.  So all the hard work amounts to nothing in gains.  For example, I've already had one slice of chocolate cake today.  Perhaps I won't have a second.  Seems reasonable, but time will tell.  I guess it's a matter of math in my case: eat less, weigh less!  Sadly, I suck at math. 


Mere minutes before I literally induced my own Food Coma

2. Spend More Time Doing What I Enjoy

Seems easy enough, but it really is hard to make time for yourself when there's so much going on all the time.  My son stays home with me, so the day is full of playing with him.  Plus cleaning.  Plus meal preparation.  Plus errands.  By the time naptime rolls around, it's all I can do to lie on the couch and check Facebook.  Like right now. 


Indeed

BUT, the more effort I makefor myself, the happier I am.  Even if it's just heading out to the library for half an hour with M and then reading a few pages of a new book while he's engrossed in Lego once we get home.  The time that I have with M at home before he starts school in a couple of years is precious.  However, I've finally realized that my own state of mind is precious too.  So whether it be taking the extra thirty seconds to grind fresh coffee beans (thank you, Teena), or plunking M down in front of the TV so I can actually blow dry my hair: if it makes me feel good, it just might be worth it.  If mummy's not happy, ain't nobody happy!

3. Acceptance

(a) As much as I do want to get back myself more on track with my eating, I'm trying my best to let go of the unrealistic expectations I have about my ideal body.  When Hubs and I met, I was living alone and working three jobs, with both disposable income and time to spare.  I was thin and strong, well-groomed and pretty fabulous (obviously).  I need to remind myself that I may no longer be as thin as I was, but I'm still strong as hell.  I grew a baby inside of me!!!  Let all of us mommies shout it from the rooftops: "WE GREW A HUMAN BEING INISDE OUR BELLIES!!!"!!  My body will never look like it did before I had my son - and I'm learning to go with it.  Unrealistic expectations lead to disappointments, and I'm just not into it anymore.  And honestly, I'm almost forty and I don't think I look bad at all.
(b) It's not all about managing my weight and clean eating and all the rest of it.  I'm not religious, but I truly DO want to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change in my life: awkward relationships with different people in my life; strained familial dynamics; wanting the best for my friends despite them being in difficult situations; etc. etc., etc.  I can either drive myself crazy worrying and analyzing, or I can accept it all and move forward.  Challenging for sure, but I could use a bit of serenity, so I'll keep trying.

4. Purge

Now, this doesn't refer to the purging I used to do in my twenties when I would drink too many pints of cider at the pub (Ah, the Good Old Days!  Yeah, I say that now...so what?!?).  Or even in my early (mid) thirties, truth be told.

Don't judge - we've all been there, right?  Right?!?

This is what I'm calling my acts of letting go.  The stuff that you hang onto, and hang onto and then hang onto some more that doesn't do you any good?  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
For me, this means a LOT of things need to be kicked to the curb.  I hang on to a lot of baggage, grudges, people and material stuff.  I have clothes in the back of my drawers from when Hubs and I were dating and I was a size 4.  I have "friendships" with people who make me feel like shit every single time I see them.  I hold a grudge on the first girl to ever break my brother's heart twenty-five years ago - and I'm not even kidding!  What good can any of this stuff be doing me?  I need an extra strength colonic to get rid of this toxicity!  Maybe all of the purging will make me feel lighter - it certainly used to.

So I think that's about it as far as my resolutions go.  It actually felt cathartic to write them down, and I feel as though I'm more accountable now.  But I'm pretty tired too.  Time for another slice of chocolate cake and some Facebook stalking?

The best way I've found of dealing with social settings where I don't know many people or feel uncomfortable: Ask people about themselves.  People absolutely love talking about themselves.

Prime example: "Hi, how are you?" is a classic greeting and we were taught at a very young age that the correct response for the sake of politeness is: "I'm fine thanks.  How are you?". 

But seriously, how many times have you been talking to someone who answers: "Oh, I'm fine..." and then they're off, filling you in on all of the nitty gritty mundane details of what's happening in their careers, at home and in their families - all before you've even had time to take a breath?

Just for once, I'd love to say what I was thinking, something along the lines of: "You are really not as interesting as you think you are.", and walk away.

But I couldn't.  Because of social norms, and being a (somewhat) nice person, and keeping a level head when someone makes you want to gouge your eardrums out rather than be forced to listen to another syllable that they're saying.

How many times have you been having what you thought was a conversation with someone, only to realize that the other person is not interested or listening to anything you say? Their eyes are glazed over, and they're just waiting for you to stop talking so they can talk about themselves again?

I don't know how or why some people manage to make it through life being so completely self-involved.  Maybe I'll never get it.  But I know that when someone asks my three year old how he is, he always answers "I'm fine, thank you.  How are you?"

"There's a million and one things you don't know about me... because you never ask, and I don't want to inflict things on people unless I think they're actually interested... but I've never really had the impression that you were.  But you just take it for granted that I'll be interested in you, don't you?"

Just one of the reasons I hate most people.

Happy New Year!

So the merry making preparations have taken over lately.  I feel as though things are so incredibly busy right now... Who knows why, I have one child and I'm a stay at home mom.  Christmas is literally less than two weeks away, so I'm trying to get things ready for the day as well trying to make it exciting and build up the anticipation for M. 

He's quite the little helper in the kitchen, when I bake and intend to freeze cookies and cakes for the holidays.  Which have all been eaten, but never mind...

So most of the things that need doing get done in a somewhat timely fashion around here... except for the dusting, that just never gets done.  Apparently cleaning ladies aren't willing to work for free!

Anyway, all these musing have nothing to do with the topic of this particular entry - or maybe they do, who knows?  Basically, I'm sitting here typing away, while thinking about going out to our friends' place for supper in about half an hour.  It's going to be fun, our sons get along really well and play together nicely.  Plus, they're good friends of ours.

Used to be that before a social outing, Hubs and I would likely have either a beer or a nice glass of Jameson whiskey on ice.

How was this only four years ago?  Feels like fifty...  I looked so damn FRESH!!!

You know what I'm drinking now to get ready for our night out?  You guessed it: coffee, strong and hot.  And currently debating having another cup before we go out because I'm just that tired.  Although I probably won't, since it will likely mess up my sleep when I go to bed at 9PM.  I mean c'mon, it IS almost 4:30PM, after all. 

I'm pretty sure all parents who are nearing forty years of age and who have toddlers can feel my pain.  Can't you?!?!?  Ugh.

So, yeah, the following list is called "You Know You're Old When"... and obviously, when I say YOU, I'm referring to myself.  Yep, each and every time. 

• While it's so nice to have a night out (be it a date night with your partner or a well deserved Girl's Night), you'd really much rather have an afternoon out so you can be in your jammies once the kids are in bed at 7:30PM
• You pull out your back three times in the past couple of months: once pulling the kids to the park in the wagon; once putting on jeans; and most recently putting a fitted bed sheet on the bed after yet another accident
• It's not an exaggeration to say that going to Costco is the highlight of the day
• You tell anyone who'll listen what a great deal you got on parchment paper at Costco the other day
• Wednesdays are usually a really good day, since that's the day the weekly flyers are delivered - also known as Publi-Sac day in Quebec
• You find yourself tuning into Wheel of Fortune quite regularly, and you find Pat Sajak rather charming
• You think that spending more than $10 on a shirt and $20 on a pair of pants is really rather outrageous
• You've been planning your Christmas morning breakfast for months, and the only ones in attendance are you, your husband and your children
• You used to find Jillian Michaels' workout videos inspiring and motivating... yet you now find them rude and much too loud (something about her tone)
• Not knowing what to watch on Netflix translates to bedtime as soon as the kids crash
• Several nights of not knowing (or not agreeing) what to watch on Netflix can ruin a whole week
• As much as you enjoy going to the movies, you find them very expensive and much too loud... and of course, the movies always finish much too late
• Going for lunch translates literally to McDonald's Drive-Thru
• You've been "preparing for the holidays" for weeks, but you've actually done nothing except order one book online from Amazon
• Your holiday preparations have involved many hours pinning ideas on Pinterest, none of which you have done (or will likely ever do)

  

  Right?!?

• Your definition of happiness is a cup of tea and two (or five) cookies to go with it
• There are mornings where no amount of concealer and blush can make you look like a human
• Sometimes the bags under your eyes are so prominent and deep that you could use them as matching coin purses
• You don't know who the latest stream of pop stars are, and you find their music loud, redundant and offensive
• Shopping for clothes is often rather painful due not only to the exorbitant prices (see above) but the process itself combined with the loud and rude aforementioned music (and your saggy old body trying on clothes, obviously)

The thing is, having read the list I just wrote... umm... God.  I Am So Damn Old.

Happy Holidays:)

The past three years have been a whirlwind to say the least - I had a baby and my family and I moved out to suburbia for a better quality of life.  But frankly, the fact that I've managed to keep my son alive for this long is a miracle in itself. 

And apparently, M is no longer considered a toddler - he is classified as a preschooler...  How the hell did that happen?!?  What happened to the days of the portable newborn, who traveled everywhere in his bucket car seat sleeping all the time?  Funnily enough, I thought that was hard work.  Now that he's three years old, I realize that that phase in his life was pretty much a cake walk.  A cake walk on no sleep.

He was like a fashion accessory, he went with everything!

Anyway... when M was born, I knew absolutely nothing about parenting.  Also, nothing about kids in general.  I babysat on and off when I was a teenager, but I was pretty terrible.  It was basically an excuse for me to pig out and rifle through other people's medicine cabinets.  I don't remember any of the kids' names that I looked after anymore, because I just didn't care about them.  No wonder no one wanted to hire me!

What's amazing is that I actually know a thing or two about being a mom now, and the ripe old age of thirty nine.  Not much, but a few things.  I'm certainly not an expert on anything to do with parenting as the mom of an only child; but through blood, sweat and tears (and lots of shit) I know a few things about parenting M:

• The love you feel for your kids may not always be instantaneous, but it is always ferocious
• There is not enough sleep in the world to make up for the sleep you lose being a mom
• I may be clueless about parenting, but no one knows my son better than I do
• No one thinks my son is as fantastic as I do (except for both sets of grandparents maybe)
• Every mom I've gotten to know is scared that she is fucking up
• Pretty much every kid has something that worries his/her mom all the time: sleep issues; feeding issues; potty-training problems; behavior problems; crazy tantrums; recurring ear infections; etc., etc., etc....
• Putting your own wants and needs on the backburner for your kids is what we do as moms
• Most of us were told not to brag when we were kids... so it should stand to reason that it's not really OK to brag about our kids now that we're adults (unless we're with family or good friends, of course)
• Not all moms are meant to stay at home with their children - it is the hardest job in the world and it's really not for everyone... and that's OK
• What's right and what works for me and my family is not what works for everyone else and their families
• It's normal to have struggled with accepting my body during and after pregnancy - acceptance is hard
• As soon as I think that maybe I've got this motherhood thing figured out a tiny bit, I realize that so much of it is luck mixed with lots of trial and error (and tons of poop)
• I've pretty much turned into my mother, and I now realize that's not a bad thing at all

Being a mom is so much more than can be put into words in a blog.  It is all encompassing and lasts forever, but more than that is the incredible amount of fierce love that goes hand in hand with it.  This I know.

I remember like it was yesterday. My twenty something self, apartment in the city, living it up. Not a care in the world. Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights I would dress to kill, make-up done, hair styled, throw on a pair of heels and off I went with a spring in my step. Out on the town for some shopping then to a club or receiving loads of friends for a house party till the wee hours of the morning. All night-ers with Music pumping, DJ mixing, drinks a flowing, dancing crazy, screams of laughter echoing, ears are ringing. 

Oh to be young! Those were the days, weren't they? Work hard play hard. 

I could stay up until sunrise and still manage to wake up Friday morning for 6 am, grab a quick coffee and work a full day. Then, do it all over again, happily.  

These days are different to say the least. 

these days I like to party,
and by party I mean nap...

I am now pushing 40 and I can barely remember
what I did yesterday.

Funny how we remember our younger years but as we age a matter of a few hours is a mystery.

I have more cares than I care to have. More bills than I care to have. More responsibility than I care to have.

Thursday through to Saturday nights are no longer spent out on the town. A night out now consists of a nice dinner with hubby at a friends home with kids. 

Mommy nights with mommy friends spent drinking lots of wine and talking shit. 

Venting. Lots and lots of venting. (thank goodness for these nights!)

I rarely wear make-up anymore. If I do it's mostly to camouflage the dark circles under my eyes and my pasty white skin so I don't scare anyone.

My hairstyle these days is an updo called Le Pony Tail, or my personal favourite Brushed.

The high heels in my closet are now covered in a layer of dust since it would be quite difficult to maneuver myself quickly enough to stop the mixing bowl on the counter filled with pancake batter from falling if I were balancing myself a few inches taller.

House parties are now 10am Play Dates. 

Dressed to kill is now just getting dressed out of my pyjamas. This rarely happens.

Music and Dancing has become any song or move that gets a laugh
and a jump from my little guy. 

Laughter is still screaming! My ears still ring and most likely always will from now on.

Staying up till sunrise is not by choice.
Generally, I am more than likely to be awoken at sunrise.

It now takes about two to three strong coffees in the morning before I remotely start to feel like a human with a brain. And about a week to recover from one late night.

Let's see.

Work hard - check

Play hard - (toys flying into my head kind of hard) - check

Full day - check, check and check some more!

Wine, CHECK!

Most you know that three people live in my living house: me, Hubs and M.  Crossing my fingers that we can get a dog sooner rather than later, so we can add a furry baby to the mix.  But there's something else here with us, something that is sometimes terrifying, often completely irrational, and incredibly frustrating.  This entity is my Mom Guilt, and I'm pretty sure it's not going anywhere anytime soon. 

Like a house guest that overstays their welcome, or that annoying neighbor we all seem to have that won't let you get a word in edgewise while you're outside trying to rake your leaves.  I can't seem to get away, and it is everywhere.

I just googled "Mom Guilt", and the 5th entry that came up was by WebMD!!  I can't speak as to their expertise in the topic, but it's wild that a medical based website would have anything to contribute to the topic at all.  But it does, and lots.  It's an honest to god thing, and according to my own mom: It Never Goes Away.  Awesome.

I feel guilty about all kinds of things in my house these days.  You know I'm all about the lists, so here's another one for you.  This particular one is specifically about Mom Guilt... maybe if you're really lucky I'll write another entry about my Wife Guilt, Family Guilt and Life Guilt too.  Good times. 

As a mom, I feel guilty that:

• I was not able to breastfeed
• When M is sick, all he wants to do is watch TV, and I let him
• Maybe M isn't stimulated enough being home with me
• I feed M fistfuls of Goldfish crackers when he pitches a fit no reason whatsoever just so I can have a minute of peace
• I exercise in the basement in the mornings and turn on CBC for about 30 minutes for M most mornings
• I get bored a lot when we're going about our days
• I'm often distracted by chores and supper prep, and can't give M my full attention
• I often let M eat things at mealtime that I said I never would just so he'll eat something
• M enjoys playing with Hubs more than me
• Hubs is ten times more patient with M than I am
• I turn on the TV to make supper if M is getting too hairy
• Maybe we don't get outside enough
• I was so looking forward to M starting preschool last month so I could have two hours to myself twice a week
• I don't play enough with M
• I'm not as close with my brother as I once was, and as a result he does not see M often
• I often try on many outfits a day before leaving the house because I'm still not comfortable with my post-baby body, and M is witness to it all
• M can be standoffish and shy, and is not always the most social kid and I worry that it's because of me
• I can't craft for my life

Writing all of that down felt both cathartic and incredibly sad at the same time.  Where does the Mon Guilt come from?  What is based on?  Is it all in my head?

The topic is something I've talked about with many different moms, and we all feel it.  Maybe it's to do with the expectations we have about motherhood vs. the reality of it. Maybe it's because we're always inundated with images of beautiful celebrities doing it all and looking glamorous as hell while breastfeeding their baby, and looking skinny again 3 weeks after giving birth.  Maybe it's because some of us tell everyone how wonderful it is to be a new mom in the beginning, and then go home and cry for hours behind closed doors.  Maybe some of us work full time and have to leave our kids in daycare.  Whatever the reasons, it doesn't matter because We All Feel It.

Getting rid of Mom Guilt is not realistic unfortunately, if not damn right impossible.  But we can make it easier on each other.  We can try being kinder to ourselves.  That amazing advice that you give your friend who feels like she's being the worst mom in the world?  Practice what you preach.  The good news is that we feel the guilt because we really and truly care and want the best for our children, which includes wanting to be Kick Ass Moms.  Which we are:)