Childbirth - what your friends never tell you.
You get your first full blown contractions and your doctor tells you this is nothing, just wait...no epidural for you just yet! Hahaha!
You're in full on labour and the pressure is so heavy you feel as if you may be the first woman in history to give birth through your ass hole!
2 hours of pushing later without screaming and you're pretty proud of yourself, however, you spend the better part of 15 hours moaning like a cow in heat, meanwhile your birthing room door is wide open and everyone can hear you.
Your doctor pulls out the forceps and your first instinct is to run. Never going to happen after having had an epidural. Then you realize where those forceps are about to go! Omg! Knock me out!
You legs are spread eagle, beyond exposed, and suddenly the room begins to fill with several nurses and specialists who are all waiting for your next contraction while staring directly at your vajayjay.
You're pretty certain you just had a BM in front of everyone.
Your beautiful baby is born! Yay!
Your doctor begins squeezing and pushing your stomach as if you were a giant tube of toothpaste, meanwhile you're wondering how it's possible you haven't passed out yet.
As you try to catch your breath, the nurse quickly places your new baby on your chest. You're surprised! Thankfully your nurse is quick to realize your about to drop your baby!!!
You're wheeled over to the recovery wing and wonder what happened to the nice pretty room?
Getting up and walking 3 feet to the bathroom feels like Everest. After 3 epidurals you start to wonder if you'll ever stand straight ever again.
You attempt to squat to pee even though your legs feel like noodles and you end up spraying half the bathroom. Nobody ever told you you'd pee like a pressure fountain for the next while.
Your family arrives to visit. And so, the involuntary gas begins. You're letting gas go every 10 mins and nothing about it is silent. No control over bodily functions what so ever!!
You finally get to go home!
Feeling like you must be a superhero after having just pushed out an 8lbs 8oz baby, you forget wheelchairs exist and walk to the car even though your hunched over with what feels like an oversized golf ball between your legs.
You're ready for your first BM.
Nobody ever told you it would be a real wall grabber! After 30 mins of pushing, moaning and abdominal exercises you're getting nowhere and decide to call it quits. However, Mother Nature has other plans for you beyond your control. It seems you should also be wearing a diaper. Crap! Seriously?
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